* A group of first-year college music students were asked by their professor if they'd like to visit the grave of the great Ludwig von Beethoven. They replied, excitedly, that they would very much like to visit the composer's gravesite and maybe learn a little more about him.
Upon arrival at the site, stange music could be heard. It was beautiful music, but was curiously being played backward.
One student, in total awe of this phenomenon, asked the instructor, "Why is such beautiful music of Beethoven being played in reverse?" The instructor replied, "You don't understand, son. He's de-composing."* A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
* Costs have gone up so much they've changed the Lord's Prayer to "Give us this day our daily bread -- plus shipping and handling."
* A lady went to a Halloween party dressed as the equator. As people walked toward her they got warmer.
* It's already so hot this summer that when you pass Grant's tomb the window is open.
* Bert and Harry went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bert wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came and asked if they wanted menus.
"No thanks," Harry said. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee, too," Bert said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look, turned and marched into the kitchen. Two munutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
* It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies,his pet peeves, his driving techniques and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do YOU think about me?"
* A young man drove his minibike into a gas station and dismounted. "I'll need about a pint of gas," he said, "and a few ounces of oil for the motor."
"Certainly, sir," the attendant said. "And would you also like me to cough into your tires?"
* "You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
An hour later she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.
"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then, waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
